Adrienne often says that her caregiving role isn’t over even though her two care recipients have passed away. Katie’s isn’t either.
On Saturday, I went to her grandmother’s house for a barbeque to celebrate her birthday. It was my first visit, although I had always heard Katie speak very fondly of her time there. Although both her uncle and grandmother are gone, the house still holds their unreserved love for their granddaughter/niece: pictures of Katie are everywhere, her memorabilia, her college mascot decorates mugs, magnets and T-shirts. Katie’s life lives in this two-story home.
The week her uncle died, I talked to Katie every day. I got a call from her one night saying that the roof over her uncle’s bedroom was caving in. This phone call marked the beginning of her desperate attempt to preserve the home (and family) she loves. Once her grandma passed, Katie embarked on a legal battle to keep the house in the family name. She did the research, defined the unknown terms, hired the lawyers, became the executor of the Will. Did I mention that she managed to study and complete her LSATs? (Katie got one of the highest SAT scores in high school– I’m betting she hit a home run with this notoriously nasty test too).
Katie has shown unbelievable determination and leadership. She has surpassed every expectation I’ve had of her. She is one of those people whose days must have 27 hours in them– 24 hours could not possibly be enough time to accomplish everything that she has. Oh, she’s also working part-time. Another detail I forgot to mention because it seems unbelievable from an outsider’s perspective. Her caregiving role is still very much apart of her identity. But now she’s a caregiver for uncle’s and grandma’s legacy.
After months of conflicting schedules, Katie and I finally got a chance to see each other. As we caught up, I told her about the work we’re doing at The Caregiver’s Survival Network. I watched her face register the comprehension of our undertaking and I finally became aware of the crucial role she held all of these years. She began to tell me things about her caregiving journey I had never heard her talk about and she expressed her appreciation of the site we’re building.
“I wish it was available for you when you needed it,” I said.
Katie response completely took me by surprise: “Allie, you know me, I wouldn’t have used it.”
A moment of shock–and then I understood. Katie has maybe asked for help a handful of times in her life. At the barbeque, we were celebrating her yet she did all of the work, politely declining our offers to help. The lawyers, the Will, her grief– she has accepted all of this as solely her responsibility. To risk oversimplifying her method, if Katie is dedicated to a cause, she knows she can only rely on herself to see it through. Unfortunately, the past disappointments in her life seem to support this idea.
Or perhaps she feels asking for help is a sign of weakness. I have a painfully hard time of it myself. It’s not that I necessarily feel weak asking for help, but rather I have (false) ideas about what I “should” be able to do. I set unrealistic expectations for my ability to handle life’s curve balls. I have faith that I will make it to the other side, but before I do, I am allowed to be confused, to ask for clarification, to lean a little on a friend when I’m having a hard time standing on my own. If Katie would lean on me, I would happily use all of my strength to keep her up.
I hope caregivers like my friend Katie will be able to take the first step towards asking for help by developing the willingness to receive it.
As a friend of a caregiver, I understand now the limitations of my assistance. But I also understand where I can be of maximum service. I offered to do any research she needs to keep the memory-filled home of her childhood in the family name. I am available to go with her to meet lawyers or other professionals so she has some backup. I can help her through showing her her love and support in creative ways. Like getting all of my friends to chip in on a spa package so she can take a much needed break to decompress. I will not always have the answers for her, I may not even be able to ask the right questions, but I can honor the parts I recognize and love about her. Her strength, her determination, her playfulness, her loyalty. I am lucky to have been able to see the home she considers to be an extension of herself. But lucky mostly because I have such a fierce, lovely friend.
Katie, I’m dedicating my work here to you.
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